Stop kidding

I am just going to say this from the get-go... What I am going to post right now is something that I think most people do NOT talk about and probably even suppress because it is that unspeakable.

The topic today is "regret". In particular, regretting having children.

"Regret" is synonymous with "mistake", and nobody likes to admit to themselves (and definitely, not to others) that they genuinely made a mistake. Regret usually intensifies when the window of opportunity to seek closure or rectify the mistake closes, which is also why regret of action can be more painful than regret of inaction. It is consciously putting yourself in harm's way or in a worse scenario than anticipated, and some mistakes cannot be reversed. What is done is done. Can't just say sorry and move on. Not that simple...

So when people intend to have children and go on to actually bring children into this world, it is intentional. I am referring to this particular group of people, and these people are usually the ones that are more open to be surveyed or willing to talk about parenthood. It is therefore interesting to note that these parents tend to say things like, "Being a parent makes me so happy" and "I never knew that I was such a loving person until I had my child", and the list goes on and on. You know what I am saying and you have heard these sweet and "awwww......" things before.

But can we stop romanticising parenthood? Can we just think about what these people are saying and if it is true? If we think about it... and I mean, REALLY think about it... I think the default answer is to say that making a conscious decision to create an innocent human being MUST be something positive. If it anything but positive, then you are portraying yourself to be a villain in your life story and an innocent person's life story because you are maybe not committed or prepared to care for and love this helpless being wholeheartedly. That is not cool, unless you don't mind humiliating yourself. Also, why is it that you have to create this whole new life to realise that you are actually a loving (or maybe, not so loving) person? Would anyone actually tell anyone that they realised they, in fact, are not that loving and patient and kind and empathetic and therefore, possibly do not possess the typical traits that a good parent ought to have? These statements that paint parenthood in such a positive light is actually not the 100% and authentic reflection of parenthood - it is a reflection of human pride.

At this point, it is probably appropriate to emphasise that I am not saying that everyone should never ever have kids and all parents are miserable because they detest their responsbilities or identities. This is not my point. My point is, and what I am concerned is, that people should not give fake reviews just to protect his or her pride. In this case, not give fake reviews about parenthood and what having kids is really really really really really like. Having kids should not suddenly awaken this loving and patient and kind and empathetic, etc side to you. Cause what if you can never biologically have kids? You won't ever realise that you can be loving and patient and kind and empathetic, etc? If this is the case, isn't humanity screwed up? And would you want future generations to be surrounded by this? Or worse, would you want your kids or future kids to be this screwed up? We definitely can be all these nice things without or before birthing a child... so let's remove our rose-tinted glasses and just really ask ourselves - WHY ARE WE BREEDING?

Makes no cents...

Everyone love$ money. Some people feel that money cannot buy happiness but I think the same people cannot deny that money is a means to attain a basic level of security and freedom. But to what extent is money so important, so much so that intrinsic values (no pun intended) and morals are forsaken? I do not know if there is an answer to this but I do know it does not feel right when money trumps common sense, integrity or mutual respect for one another.

A little personal anecdote (or maybe two or three, haha!). The other day, I walked past a hair salon and I saw a leaflet. The leaflet clearly stated that the usual price of $28 for a haircut was now a mere $5. I took the leaflet home and decided to call the salon to double confirm this. They confirmed it, and I made an appointment for both my mother and I to go for a haircut. On the day itself, I even brought the leaflet to show the lady why I was there. Long story short - we had the haircuts and the lady told us it was $11. I thought to myself, "oh, ok, $1 more. That's fine", and I prepared to pay. She then corrected me and said that it was $11 per haircut and therefore, $22 in total. That was odd. After clarifying, it was then made known to me that the $5 promotion was for "members" only or for men. I searched high and low for this condition on the leaflet. It simply did not exist. I also asked why I was not informed about this when I called earlier to confirm the price or when I showed her the actual leaflet before we sat down for the haircuts. The lady said that she assumed I was a "member" and therefore, I would be entitled to the $5 haircut. After I read what was on the leaflet to the lady and said that there was no indication of this "for members" or "for men" condition, she subsequently changed the tune to, "oh, this is for a store opening promotion which has now expired". I was even more puzzled. So... why was this leaflet made available (and there were even more outside when we were having this exact conversation) and why was this expired "promotion" not mentioned at any point in time? Anyway, I had to explain over and over and over again (maybe for a total of 10 minutes) for them to honour what was indicated on the leaflet. At the end of it, I felt sooo... embarrassed, like I was at fault and being a "Karen". And then, I was reminded... Someone told me that this was not the first time that I was being "scammed"!

I have been to so many hawker centres where I was asked to pay a certain price for economical rice and the price fluctuates. One time, I paid $3.60 for a portion of vegetables and meat. But... the meat was only flour!! There was almost 0% meat!! It was... again, odd! Another time, I bought soya bean milk (again, at a hawker centre) for a grand total of $2.50. And no, it was not from a "reputable" brand like Selegie or Whampoa. It did not even occur to me to question why. And there was a time when someone I have known for a long time decided to sell me a story to make me loan him/her a significant amount of money (and tried it twice). The list goes on...

There is nothing wrong with the pursuit of wealth but when it is done at the expense of someone else, when it undermines ethical behaviour or relationships, when it makes you feel entitled to act a certain way (especially to people you think are weak or more privileged than you), then maybe we need to change (pun intended). Maybe we should also keep a check and balance (pun intended) so this is not a norm. It is an anomaly and illegality. Cause... it really is an aberration and against the law to cheat, lie and exploit clients and customers. Or maybe... I'm just getting older and being a "Karen"... ARGHHHHHHH!!

Build bridges

There is a lot of talk about regulating social media these days, and rightfully so.

I do believe that the Internet, not just social media, is a breeding ground for the spread of (mis)information. Anyone can say anything. This could pose a problem, especially for more impressionable users. It could also lead to the abuse of certain platforms to cyberbully, scam, fuel social division, etc. This is not new. I remember Yahoo! Games was a thing and I would hop onto the website with the sole intention of playing Reversi or chess (yes, such a nerd). Then, some random person would initiate a chat and ask for nudes, send nudes, or talk nonsense about God-knows-what. Mind you, Yahoo doesn't really exist on anyone's radar these days... so this "issue" goes a LONG way back. Anyway, the point is that as long as humanity exists, abusers exist, and there were less rules, regulations and protections back then.

So what can we do to mitigate the harm? Ok, yes...Social media platforms need to play their part and ramp up efforts to detect, remove and block these abusers. This comes at the price of undermining some sort of freedom to privacy and freedom of speech, and every user should be willing to pay the price. And this is another can of worms that I shall pretend I didn't open.

..Speaking of users, there are two main groups – minors and non-minors. I will just talk about the former group of users here because they are the crux of the debate.

For minors, I think they may not fully comprehend what freedom is, what predators are, how to detect fake news, how to differentiate pictures with filters/good angles, etc. Hence, I think the main problem for this group of users is the lack of education ad supervision. And who should really educate and supervise children? I don't know about you but... how about their parents, caregivers and teachers? I am not a parent so I am afraid that if I speak about “parenting” and “education”, I would be cancelled. However, I think it is safe to say that “parenting” and “education” could possibly include limiting screen time, being aware of what the children are doing online, establishig trust and communication so children can share about their online experiences and concerns, etc. And I suppose the people in the best position to do all of that (and more) would be the parents, caregivers and teachers, no?

Having said all that, it is easy for us to assume that these people (especially parents) possess the knowledge to pass down to their children. BUT what if the parents are not literate, not IT-savvy or worse, not even present in their children’s lives? The first gatekeepers need to be willing and ready to put in the hard work and empower the young users with everything necessary to make smarter decisions for themselves or feel comfortable enough to seek advice to make smarter decisions for themselves.

Social media platforms can only do this much to sieve out all the bad. And even if they do sieve out the bad, there will be a time lag and jurisdictional technicalities to overcome. So, it is not a silver bullet or a panacea to stopping online child abuse, bullying, teen suicide, and all these big heavy issues that get people so riled up. Instead of making the companies, or worse, the CEOs personally liable, perhaps it is time to redirect our focus on preventing, collaborating and… if I may say so myself… on upbringing.

In a Fog

Yay! More F words! But before we go there, you may want to read the previous post first... Or you can just clear your mind and watch this:

1) https://youtu.be/PEXNyYeFxIo?si=x7NVq4k-t0k7tzWt
2) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIe8LzH0Jrs
(From 10:45 onward)

How many times have we glorified objectifying men and their bodies? And... think it is a compliment to men and it is perfectly fine to do so? I mean even a kids friendly movie like Avengers explicitly highlights a certain character's body part, and I think the buttock is quite an initimate part too.

In the second YouTube video, it gets even more filthy. The wife is literally joking about making her husband intoxicated so she could use his sperms to get pregnant. And this is after the husband saying he does not want to have more kids!!! You think that is bad? Oh... wait for the cherry on top... Everyone was laughing and high-fiving to that prospect!

Just imagine the tables being turned. Imagine the scene depicting Millie Bobby Brown or Megan Fox coming out of the shower with only a towel covering her private parts and some male character looks at her and becomes too mesmerised to speak. Imagine your husband talking about getting you drunk and taking away your ability to consent to sex and then impregnating you, and his male friends fist pumping to that brilliant idea. Oh, and he knows you do not wish to have more kids too. Or imagine Marvel deciding to praise Captain Marvel's (or Brie Larson's) ass and saying, "God damn, that ass looks freaking fine and that is the ass representing Marvel".

I can already see it in my mind... most people will get their panties in a bunch and be cancelling the respective companies and executives. Perhaps rightfully so because it is not cool to say or do certain things and think it is normal or funny. The only thing I am concerned is how radical a certain movement has become because we need to be measured and fair (as mentioned in my previous post). The level of antipathy towards men just seems a little out of control. Any woman that says anything about men (especially if it emasculates him) is usually applauded or at the very least, not given any attention. BUT any man that does anything seemingly against a woman, for example, divorcing her, is a campaign against sisterhood and we need to go to war against this bastard.

It does not need mentioning but I thought I would just put it out there - putting one group or gender down does not make it better for the other. Just like how it does not make you any prettier if you criticise another for being ugly. All it does it just distract people from the crux of the problem, and why we are advocating for certain rights... Can we just all try to get along and respect each other? Treat each other fairly?

The F Word(s)

This topic or post is a very delicate and sensitive one so if you are looking for trouble, someone to cancel or throw eggs at (for those of you who are still old school), this one is for you!

The biggest movie released in 2023 is probably "Barbie". Even if you had not watched the movie, you would have heard of the doll or watched the cartoon movies on Kids Central or something. I strolled into the cinema with zero expectations and not a clue about what the movie is about. I was chilling with my popcorn but as the movie dragged on, I was sinking into my chair and curling my toes. Only one thing and three letters kept resurfacing in my mind - HUH.

Don't get me wrong. The premise of the movie was not terrible. The acting was also not disastrous. But... I cannot help but wonder why are we, in 2023, still lamenting about the lack of female representation or rights. I am not saying that the world is already perfectly balanced, as all things should be. Certain cultures and countries still need us to shed light on this. However we can't just keep saying that we are bullied by men and it is impossible to be a woman (as mentioned in the movie) in the modern world (or known as "Los Angeles" in the movie). This is not really a realistic portrayal of the real world today.

Cutting to the chase: the whole movie was just a feminist agenda wrapped up in a pink bow. Again, nothing wrong with this. But I think it was quite overdone and the movie was like a propaganda...

I think a level-headed person (not just feminists) is concerned about the oppression of women. It is about the edifice of the oppression and not really about men versus women. In other words, it is about "what" is oppressing us and not the "who". In the movie, Barbies ruled their land and did not even bother giving any meaningful job to the Kens. The Kens, even if they were capable, were therefore not able to contribute and earn some credit. Strangely, nobody thought that was screwed up but let us just look past that. Conversely, in the real world, men were depicted as sexual, egotistical and dominating a-holes, from random people walking along the street to the police officers to the big shots at corporations. All jerks. It makes one wonder if, collectively, men is the cause of said opppression. The movie did not really address this. To make things worse, at the end of the movie, when the Kens wanted to be more useful, they were put down by the Barbies and given less than important roles to just placate them. Is it to show the male audience that this is what they actually do when they claim they respect women but, in fact, do not? Is it tongue in cheek? Considering that the movie was quite preachy and there is a big percentage of kids in the audience, maybe they should tie this loose end?

It just seems like a lot of whining and the best part is... girls and women coming out the theatre and fist pumping - hyping each other up that we need equality and men just have it so much easier! It definitely is not irony or punny when there is literally a 3 minute long monologue about how it is IMPOSSIBLE to be a woman. Yeah, impossible. And the fact that our grandmothers are in their 80s or 90s... gosh, they must be unicorns or something. (Read below if you have not watched the movie).

Again, I believe some parts of it and have experienced what she is saying personally. But dissect this carefully - so...
(a) men can just be fat and ain't nobody gonna say anything or make fun of him or assume this fat guy is just the class clown of the bunch
(b) men can go around asking for money cause yeah, ain't nobody expect them to be the breadwinners or offer to pay for dinner and everything else for their female dates
(c) men can go around being jerks and crush dreams and that is why the movie "Horrible Bosses" starring Kevin Spacey is not relatable and makes no sense - the casting director should have gotten a female boss to portray that role.

OK, you get the drift. I think the main takeaway is that maybe... just maybe... it is not about lack of equality. Because if that was what we wanted, then ok, ask your female friends to carry the groceries, not expect the men to pay for dates and propose to women, not ridicule men who are scared of insects and refuse to kill the pests at home, etc, since both genders are equally capable of doing these things and the expectations for each gender is the exact same. The fact is that we are not made the same and we will never be the same. Even among the same gender, we are not the same. So... perhaps it is about treating each other with respect and fairness. It is not a men versus women problem. If we just realise that sometimes we cannot conveniently and naively pin the blame on a single group, maybe we can look into where these expectations come from and what we can do to be better (The chinese saying goes like this : 一竿子打翻一船人)

Maybe we can look within. Maybe women also make it difficult for other women to exist. For example, who is buying (and therefore also supporting) these magazines that feature skinny female models on the cover every damn time? I do not think Vogue and Elle and Marie Claire and Cosmopolitan and Glamour are catering to men. We complain that they promote body image issues but at the same time, we think they are pretty. God knows that even if our male friends, boyfriends or husbands tell us that we look good, we do not believe them. And oh yeah, they also do not even know who Christy Turlington, Gisele Bündchen and Kendall Jenner are... but whose fault anyway? These damn men!

This is new news...

I don't think I am that old but when I was a child, I would see crazy things in the news like "100,000 People Evacuated as XYZ Volcano Erupts" or "Syndicate Targeted Two Banks" or "Revolt Plot in Singapore". You know, things that would actually concern me or information that affects my community/world. Now? There is a ton of reporting from online citizens who create "news".


Exhibit A: https://www.straitstimes.com/life/entertainment/tiktok-clip-of-cristiano-ronaldo-looking-annoyed-next-to-former-actress-wong-li-lin-goes-viral
Exhibit B: https://www.asiaone.com/singapore/overreacting-or-not-visitor-blames-singapore-zoo-staff-after-gate-closes-his-child
Exhibit C: https://nypost.com/2022/09/27/influencer-torched-for-complaining-about-insane-work-schedule/
Exhibit D: https://www.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/mum-blasted-after-complaining-her-new-zealand-holiday-got-cancelled/QH6IFIK3PNAK5F7GNWEKSERIZE/
Exhibit E: https://www.sportskeeda.com/pop-culture/news-this-just-entitlement-plus-size-tiktoker-big-curvy-olivia-comes-fire-requesting-wider-aisles-planes


While it is informative to some extent, I wonder how some of these "events" made it for publication. The resemblance among these pieces of articles is that the fiasco started with individuals sharing their thoughts on social media, and usually because they felt slighted that something unpleasant happened to them or someone else. There is this sense of policing or standing up for what they think is right.
So, at this point, I want to make it clear: I do think people should not keep quiet if something horrible happened to them and people should stand up for themselves. But the thing that makes these articles unpalatable is that most of the times, the "victims" are venting on social media without addressing the root cause. The knee-jerk response when something bad happens is to whine about it and then post it on social media. Why? To name and shame the "perpetrator", and garner support from others.
These online creators who report and generate news are not doing it for the greater good (or try to serve the greater good at the very least). They are less interested in solving the problem so others won't suffer like them. The bottomline is to evoke strong reactions from the world (and legitimate publications) instead of putting an end to it. This whole capitalisation is self-serving.
It is an epidemic and I know it takes conscious effort to not publish things that would kickstart one's social media career (I used "publish" intentionally because I think recording yourself is not the point - recording yourself and keeping it private is separate from publishing it for the whole world to see). So maybe the essence of this whole phenomenon is that people want attention and/or some monetary gain from their "downfalls". If that is the case, I am sad to say this but it is difficult to control this epidemic because social media is too easily accessible and user-friendly AND people are profoundly opportunistic in nature... I think the only sensible thing we can do is to be more discerning when we watch or comment on videos. We can choose not give power to people who make use of their online platforms to name and shame. This way, maybe there is less to gain when they publicly complain, and more to gain when they privately settle with the parties involved that supposedly caused them pain.

Maybe it is time to bring talking to each other back...

Predators who pray

We are taught that there are only two types of people in this world - good and bad. The good people do good things to punish the bad people, put them behind bars, pray for their repentance.

But the frightening thing is we were never told that good people could be the very same ones who need to be punished, put behind bars and pray. Maybe that is our juvenile way of protecting ourselves from the terrors that plague this world. Maybe it is more comforting to see the world as superheroes versus supervillains.

I wish the pages of my Marvel comic books could come to life... because even a radioactive spider biting a random teenage boy and a telepathic empath that so happens to inherit millions of dollars make more sense than what I have seen and been through. So... what I am going to tell you is real and I know you know it is real. I don't even know why I felt the need to put that little disclaimer. This is not a page or chapter from my comic books.

This started a long time ago, when I knew nothing about nothing. The most important event on my calendar was probably a doggie day spa for Nini. It was during this time my path crossed with this person. Let's call this person, "Delta" (it's a gender neutral name). Delta is older and definitely much more experienced in every aspect of life. Delta is a Christian and lives to help people in need. Delta portrays this wholesome image, someone who is more than willing to tell personal stories and struggles to uplift others. Being a nobody who knew nothing about nothing, these interactions were nice. In fact, it was very inviting. This is where your mother would go, "oh no, this foolish girl..." Oh, yes. Foolish, indeed. You see, these anecdotes that Delta shared were sometimes embellished. Cause everyone likes to hear sweet stories from a god-loving person and there's nothing wrong with tugging at heartstrings to tie someone down and to reel someone in, right?

Step 1 is done. Target and trust in the bag. Next step is to keep the target on sight by way of flattery. Whenever Delta catches the slightest whiff of something or someone questioning or guessing, Delta feels inferior and Delta does not like losing control. So now, it is not just these stories and smiles you get from Delta. It's also, "hey, enough about me. how's your weekend? how's your dog?" Only to realise, years later, that Delta never did genuinely care because all that warmth is just to maintain Delta's inflated self-image and social dominance.

After Step 2, the next step is the oldest trick in the book. It is called "triangulation". It is so commonly used that we usually don't realise we are being triangulated in toxic relationships. It's basically introducing third parties, and making the target and these third parties feel like they need to compete and impress the puppeteer to stay in his/her good books. When you reach this stage, you have one foot in the grave. Because even if you gain clarity, you won't do anything about it. Your acquiescence, compliance and silence will not just be noticed by someone of influence like Delta, but by the entire community that he/she dragged you in. It is hard to snap out of it. It is hard to turn to the next person and seek refuge. It is hard to say anything. Everyone is in on it at this point, and the people that he/she surrounds you with are people who would die to please and appease.

And at this point, we approach Step 3... when someone like Delta has accumulated a following for his/her self-serving interests, nobody will believe you or even listen to you. No outsider will choose you over a family oriented, god loving and sociable person who has a throng of (usually younger and less experienced) devotees. So when you do come to your senses and leave, you feel alone. You feel aggreived. And more importantly, you feel ashamed. But none of that matters. Cause what do you know? Nothing about nothing.

Oh, My Word!

I have been thinking about this topic for a while now and I think maybe I can get a word in.

How many times have we come across "survivor" being used to describe a person at the receiving end of sexual abuse, physical assault, etc? Or how about the "evolution" of someone’s career when he or she is stepping away from it? Oh, and what about women "using their voice" to advocate for their rights?

Needless to say, these fancy terms serve a specific purpose. They are meant to offer a different perspective and turn something negative into something positive. It is great to construct a narrative that uplifts and fulfils the needs of the individual. BUT often, it is also mutually exclusive... meaning, if I am survivor, I should not view myself as a victim. If I have evolved away from professional tennis, please do not insult me and do not insist that I am retired. If I am using my voice to share my opinions, I am not referring to my literal voice (aka speaking) but rather, something more important such as my agency and strength as a woman. While it makes sense to some extent... in doing so, are we actually running away from the real problem or pain? Hiding behind figurative speech and subjectivities to portray this rosy image?

Words make up stories, and stories aim to tell the audience (who is usually unaware or absent at the event) of the narrator’s interpretation or perspective. In other words, choosing certain words create a bias. This makes me wonder if this is why we can’t simply speak plainly and directly, without all the word salad and fanciful jargon. Why is there always this thing about "my truth"? For example, when we intentionally identify ourselves as "survivors" of abuse, it probably does suggest that we are relentless and resilient. Because nothing can ever take away my strength or dignity, right? This is my life.

However, as amazing as it sounds, it is also detracting attention from the incident or even the perpetrator. The focus of the entire saga shifts from the actual wrongdoing or wrongdoer to the recipient of it. Putting up this facade that is all about our positive image does not address two very important variables which are why or how perpetrators are even perpetrators to begin with, and our genuine feelings or intentions. It is ok to be weak. It is what it is. So using a supposedly negative term to describe the recipient is not and should not diminish the pain and bravery of the victim but rather, highlight the true state of events as well as the horrifying aftermath (which is, usually, people prey on the weak and after the ordeal, it takes monumental effort to come to terms with it). This is the plain truth and there is nothing shameful to admit to oneself that it is a difficult process.

It is ironic that the people who talk about not being labelled or not giving a flying hoot about the labels actually DO care about the labels. So much so that they need to come up with new ones to associate themselves with and reject the ones that seem to put them down because you know... labels cannot and will not define them...

I think it is time to acknowledge that there is no rigid dichotomy. It is perfectly normal to feel like a victim and a survivor, depending on the day. It is fine to say you aspire to be a retiree because you want to do something else with your time such as starting a family. It is not embarrassing to tell someone that my son or daughter is speaking to you about his or her challenges so please listen respectfully. No need for all the pompous or hopeful talk about how things are much deeper than it seems and the audience somehow does not understand but you want them to...

Positivity and negativity exist on a spectrum. It is not one or the other, and supposedly negative words can reflect how we feel sometimes. That is life. And... this is coming from an evolved survivor who is not afraid to use her voice.

About time

I have always been advised by kind and wise people to keep my eyes peeled for the predators out there. It is about time to take heed.
Let me preface this: Writing this post and sharing my thoughts about this particular topic is very difficult because a part of my brain has been conditioned to doubt or surrender. So when I was first introduced to the term "gaslight", I really opened my eyes. The process of understanding and discovering is slow. One of the reasons why it takes a while is because, in a perverted way, it is better to live in whatever reality the person wants you to. Everything is drama-free and peaceful in that way. It makes no sense to rock the boat or speak up.
But then… when other people in the same situation are sharing their views about the same person and you are able to see it from their perspectives, it is clearer. It starts to make sense.
I cannot go as far as to diagnose people/a particular person as a narcissist because it is an actual mental health disorder. But there are traits that are eerily similar…


1) Distorting reality
I noticed that when people recount certain incidents, things do not add up or the story changes. Or worse still, the general gist is re-written to suit their narrative or paint them in a better light. Third parties who do not know the truth or are unable to verify from other sources would be hoodwinked unknowingly.

2) Demanding recognition
These types of people like to be in the position of power. He/she has to be the one to delegate tasks to others. Yet, he/she barely pulls his/her weight when it is his/her responsibility to make sure the job is done properly. Then, when it comes to getting recognition or sharing stories about the task, suddenly, it is his/her pet project or client or whatever (see point 1 above).

3) Disguising reproach
Sometimes, if you’re lucky, you get indirect jabs (for example: “all the other people I know did ABC and you’re the first who did XYZ. You think I am lying?”). The aim of which is nothing but to put you down and make you question yourself. Otherwise, you get comments that kinda make you feel some sort of way (for example: “in this day and age, reputation is everything”) and that something seems... off.


Just to provide an illustration: It would not be atypical for them (e.g. Person A) to say things like, “I would not have gotten together with you (Person B) if you did not agree to 123. I said that right from the beginning. Now, you are going back on your word. You are not a good human being. I thought you were and that really hurts ME.”

A bystander who is none the wiser would assume two things – firstly, Person B is not trustworthy or reliable and secondly, Person B has hurt Person A (i.e Person A is a victim).

If facts are not shown that: (a) That Person B did not agree to 123. In fact, it was a mutual agreement for Person B to do 456, and Person B had, in fact, done so accordingly; and (b) That Person A had done and/or said things to indirectly coerce Person B to feel that silence about the REAL agreement is the only way...

The bystander would have a totally different perspective on things.
Person A would distort the reality so that he/she can control how he/she is perceived. And at the same time, make Person B question himself/herself or feel so afraid to speak the truth (since Person A is so adamant and “hurt”) that it is almost impossible or cruel for Person B’s version of events to come out. That means, there is only one version – Person A’s version whereby he/she is seen in a favourable manner.


It is hard to stand up against such individuals when you are dependent on them in some way or when the person is in an authoritative position. Or worse… like in my case… it is both.


When we were children, we were taught that "yes means yes and no means no". What about silence? What does silence mean?

That is a red one

 

(Reference - Venom: Let there be Carnage by Sony Pictures)

I have been thinking about writing this topic for a while now. And that is, getting married to someone is not as straightforward as settling down into a new life as husband and wife (or husband and husband / wife and wife for some). People do not realise that if their spouses are close to their family members, then they will end up marrying his/her entire family too. 

The shift in dynamics can be challenging to navigate for both parties and it is very important to communicate the dos and don'ts with everyone involved, especially if you are going to move in with them. But I guess it is pretty much common sense that communication is the bedrock of healthy relationships. So I am more interested to know what will one do if he/she discovers that there is no way he/she can get along with the in-laws? What if nobody wants to compromise? What if there is no compromise to begin with? 

These questions have been weighing on me for a while because personally, I have seen marriages BREAK families up instead of bringing more people together. Perhaps the pertinent question is what is the point of getting together with someone. The answer varies from individual to individual. There is no right or wrong because we all have different priorities. 

I feel like if we know what we are getting ourselves into and we feel it is worth the conflicts and hassle, then do it. It works for you. But if you are projecting your ideals on your spouse and his/her family, then you are most likely going to struggle afterwards. Because the reality is... someone will be caught in the middle. Someone will have to make the tough call. That someone will most likely be your spouse and if he/she is not on the same page as you, then the marriage will be fraught with chalenges. 

Sometimes, these can be observed through day-to-day interactions with your prospective spouses. And these observations are all red flags. Do not view them through rose-tinted glasses and assume the marriage will change things. Usually, it will not. It only magnifies them. 

So I guess my conclusion is... it is wonderful to find that one person in a billion. But a union is not between two people - it is between two families. Talk about this - what is the priority, what the boundaries are, etc. 

And as depressing as it may sound, if there is no resolution, perhaps it is not meant to be... Going back to the Venom reference.... This is why they didn't work out...

Percolate or it might be too late

1) Specialisation 

People say, "every cardiologist is a bit of a psychatrist too". 

They could very well complete the job. But is it a good job? And how long will it take? Do your research. 

2) Changing hands

If there are too many dealers, it is time to get rid of the entire deck and change the game. 

Don't be a few cards short of a full deck and think that is normal. It is not. Do your research. 

3) Test 

Litmus. Acid. Sniff. Duck. Red-face. All of the above. Do your research. 

4) Never assume

Or else you will make an ass of u & me. 

It will be foolish of you to think all that glisters is gold. Do your research. 

5) Look who's talking

The one sitting comfortably or the one actually thinking.  Do your research. 

INFJ - Part II

 This is Part 2 of being an INFJ. 

Every INFJ will tell you that it is almost impossible to stop our minds from pondering over every little thing - it could be something trivial like a random bird that flew over your head or something deep like sharing vulnerabilities and fears. Somehow, we tend to formulate thoughts and analyse every SINGLE thing over nothing. And not just that... we tend to connect one simple thought or deduction to something else and something else and something else and something else.... it is so mentally exhausting. 

I think the reason why we tend to do this is because we can somehow connect the physical (or tangible) world with the metaphysical (or abstract) world. I cannot really explain how the cogs in our minds work but I will try to give you an illustration.

For example, when I see someone walking a dog... Most people will be like "oh, ok, it's a common sight" or "awww... such a cute dog". But for me, I would be like "haha, the owner is busy using her phone and the dog is walking the owner! I wonder if the dog knows." and then that thought leads to "wouldn't it be nice to be a pet dog? do they know they are held hostage and do they mind?"

Another reason why I think we usually do this is because we like to see the big picture but we are also cautious to not miss out the small details. So we are constantly thinking, "ok, what are the pros and cons?" and "if I did this, what are the possible outcomes? If it is the first outcome, what next? if it is the second outcome, then how?" and "what is the contingency plan?" We might not know or get stuck on all the nitty gritty but we will definitely consider it. And again, it is so freaking tiring!

So... over the years, I realised the major reason why we cannot just STOP overthinking is because we cannot live in the present moment. You know YOLO used to be a thing? Well, as much as it sounds very appealing (and indeed, I am envious of people who live this way), it just does not seem plausible or responsible... because sometimes, one person's actions affect another and one person's life is intricately intertwined with so many other's.

I guess there is no conclusion to this post. It is just something interesting I thought (lol, the irony of it all... penning down my thoughts about overthinking and now, I am thinking if maybe I am thinking too much about lame things). 

Hahahaha! And now, my head hurts. Let me go into "comatose"... Goodnight! 

The Big Picture

I cannot believe that the last time I blogged was months ago! I thought I would be writing and sharing my thoughts more during this period... Heh... guess I was enjoying some solitude.

But...Fret not... I am back!

Today, I am going to write about something that happened to me recently. Or rather, to be specific, something that someone said to me recently. So here it goes...

The other day, I was sharing about how the surgical mask is kinda big on me and I don't really like it. Then this man said this to me, "I thought you like it big". 

Let it sink in (no pun intended).

.........

.........

.........

It took me a while to get what he was insinuating. Just in case you are not aware, I am a petite Asian woman and I am dating a tall Spanish man (also colloquially known as "angmoh"). So obviously, my initial reaction was "HUH?????!!??!?" Because why would I like a mask that is always falling off? It is troublesome and uncomfortable.

Anyway, long story short...  I finally got what he meant and that comment got me ruminating about bi-racial or Asian/White couples (especially AFWM couples). 

First, I wonder why local guys think that local women who date angmohs are either in it for sexual pleasure or money or both. Is that insecurity or dissent or both? Also, it is a rather archaic mindset to think that the angmoh/White is superior and that by virtue of his/her race, he/she is more desirable. Perhaps for some couples, it might be true. But not all. 

Making sweeping and insensitive statements like this is baffling to me because it is almost like one is looking down on his/her own race or his/her worth. And that is VERY ironic because the statement maker usually comes from a place where he/she is mocking the Asian for choosing an angmoh over a local (i.e. implying that Asian thinks the angmoh is better than the local). It is very... counter-intuitive. 

Second, it is not very nice to make a one-off comment like that unless your intention is to shame or make someone feel bad. If it was made during a discussion about relationships and race, I would be more than willing to share my thoughts (and elicit the other person's views as well) because the context and intention are different. But it was not. It was clearly a statement meant to belittle (again, no pun intended) me and people in relationships like mine. 

Now, before I end this post, I just want to clarify that I am not saying that such comments are always negative and cynical, and therefore people should shut up. They should not. I am saying that we can all expand our horizons. The world is so big and colourful...we just need to open our hearts and minds to see it.

And I really hope one day... we can all sincerely accept people for how they look like, regardless of their skin colour or gender, etc. Wouldn't it be nice?

This is the real pandemic

In light of the current climate, I feel like my thoughts on this particular topic is now not as trivial or trifling than before.

I speak on behalf of myself when I say this: -
Calling in sick and (rightfully) skipping school/work has really never been entrenched in my culture.  In fact, I get rewarded or get praised for presenteeism when I am sick.

Actually, I don’t know if it is cultural thing or if it is a personality thing but I feel like people get unfairly scrutinised and stigmatised when they claim that they are sick and cannot attend whatever they are supposed to – be it school or work or just attending a wedding. Now, I am not talking about coughing due to chain smoking or stress. I am talking about legitimate infectious illnesses like the flu.

This leads to people literally coughing away for DAYS in confined spaces with like 5 or 10 or more other peers breathing in the same contaminated air. I personally have been terrified to go to work because I have been in that position before. And I am not exaggerating. Because when you know your colleague has been sneezing and coughing for days due to some virus, you know something is not right.

Just so it does not seem like I am a crazy person going on about my own experiences, let me throw you some statistics here. Apparently, the number of sick days taken by employees have decreased since the early 1900s. Also, studies have shown that most people do not even take sick leave and power through the illness at work.

So, it makes me wonder… Why. Why do people do this? Why is it more prevalent now than before?
I think it boils down to a few factors: -

1. Competitiveness: People don’t want to lose out to their colleagues. They feel like they have to be involved at work and stay abreast of the agenda and progress of some project or something. 
2. Mistrust: Bosses don’t trust their employees and think they are misrepresenting the truth. I know some people are indeed not very trustworthy but I implore supervisors to speak to them about it (why they are dodging work, etc) or give the benefit of doubt. 
3. Complacency: Most are us are just not very socially responsible. I have been there, done that... And it is because we think it's just flu anyway. NO. Even if it is not a lethal virus, it is not okay. This is something which must be emphasised. In fact, about 1% of people die from the "typical" influenza. While it seems insignificant, it is avoidable. We should still try to prevent these unnecessary illnesses and deaths.

I know it seems like a little late and redundant to talk about this now. But if you know you are unwell, please take the necessary precautions. And if you are in the position to allow someone to take a break, please encourage them to do so and don't indirectly coerce them to ignore the symptoms (or worse, spread to people knowingly).

INFJ - Part I

I decided to come out of the closet and declare my MBTI. It is INFJ.

And in some inane way, I feel slightly embarrassed telling the whole world that I am an INFJ. Because some really prominent humanitarians are INFJs and indirectly, it appears that I am humble-bragging. But trust me... If I had a choice, I do not think I would want to be an INFJ.

This is Part I is my INFJ diary. 

Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist. Within each personality type, people differ. Everything I write here is from my own perspective. 

------------------------------------------------------

I think I should start with this meme. 

This is basically me EVERY SINGLE second of my life. I think most INFJs will tell you that even though they (seem like they) are quietly doing their work or have their headphones on, they are not at peace. At all. Ever. 

For example, from the moment I leave my house, I know I will meet people... strangers... And I will unknowingly observe what they do or say... I want to know what they do or say. Are they using their phones to read the news? Mindlessly "liking" people's Instagram photos? Replying to WhatsApp messages about work? Are they listening to trap music? Or is it the new Selena Gomez's album? 

And more often than not, it does not end there. Oh,no... not for us. After observing them, I want to know why. Not because I am nosy. But because I want to know these people on a deeper level. Sounds so crazy or creepy. But I want to know what kind of news are they most likely reading? Is it sports? Are they skipping past the entertainment news? What kind of trap music? Do they change the genre after it gets repetitive? All of this... snippets of seemingly useless information in just a single train ride home.

My subconscious actions have made me so afraid that I wish I did not have to leave my house. Heck, no, I don't wanna leave my room. I cannot. Because when I do, I know my mind will go into overdrive and it is insanely exhausting. It is so incessant and it cannot stop. So my no-fuss remedy is to distract myself - with music, with a book, with writing (like now). Something. Anything. However it does not work. Because now, I am overanalysing the lyrics and watching people... and putting two and two together. That concoction of a brainstorm is worse than any Category 5 hurricane.

But the most ironic thing... despite it all... is that I crave it. If the person that I want to know reciprocates, then we become this magnetic duo. Sometimes it becomes unhealthy because they know I am curious and I am overly helpful or empathetic, and they do certain things that are arguably manipulative or attention-seeking. (I will talk about that in a separate post because it will be pretty convoluted post if I jumped from one topic to another even though it is all linked... Or if you want to, you can read my previous post about self-victimisation.)

Anyway, after saying so much without really saying too much, I don't know if I did a decent job explaining why INFJs tend to be worn out every day, every time.

Just in case I am not making sense... maybe this guy's video will shed some light (and read the comments):

"INFJs don't usually feel like they are in their bodies..." (YES, AMEN)

V for...

Have you ever encountered people who are always lamenting that they are mired in debt or are always forced to make do with tough luck? I realised that I am constantly surrounded by people like this. What kind of people, you ask?

People who consciously make decisions to live in misery because they want attention and more importantly, validation. They want people to praise them for thriving so well even though they are stuck in a supposedly predetermined hellhole. They want people to gift them things voluntarily because they are so pitiful. They. Want. People.

More often than not, I tend to believe the narrative they paint. Because it seems a bit far-fetched that someone would go to great lengths to purposefully put themselves in compromising positions, and then claim that they are just so ill-fated, right? Well, WRONG. As William Shakespeare once said, "[a]ll the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players..."

So I wonder then... Why do people sabotage themselves? It seems so...sickening. I think the answer is... people romanticise the whole "victim narrative" because the victim is never accountable for all the unfortunate things that happen to them. They are always entitled to the benefit of doubt. They are always deserving of help. They are always given a free pass to complain and whine.

For example, some of these people with victim mentality will deliberately make unhealthy choices like overspending or hanging out with the wrong crowd. Then, boom! It's doom and gloom. Suddenly, they need a shoulder to cry on at 3am. Suddenly, they need a ton of money to tide through hard time. Suddenly, they need people to help them run their errands... all because they are so so so... pitiful and as human beings, we should have some empathy. But should we? All the time?

I know I will be the last person to answer that question. Because I always end up feeding that ego and allowing that fiend to latch onto me... But it is not helping them. It is destroying them.

And more importantly, it is destroying people like us who enable such self-destructive behaviour. So what is the solution? I don't think I have one except to implore people to love themselves more (not in a self-centred way) and not always assume the world owes them a living.

I guess V is for vacillating...

You cannot have your cake and eat it too

Another day, another catharsis. Welcome to my world. 

Someone told me something which got me thinking... Is gender equality a part of egalitarianism?

Maybe "equality" in general will never exist because people are inherently self-centered .While it is great notion to think that everyone (regardless of gender, race, religion, and the list goes on) deserves equal treatment, rights, resources, etc, unfortunately, this is not how the world works. Life is not fair. So I urge people to stop saying that they believe in a certain propaganda, and start ACTING like they do. 

For example, I think it's safe to say that most millennial women think that they are more than just housewives and they are capable of bringing home the bacon. They (we) always try to break the glass ceiling, push the boundaries, prove the male counterparts wrong, blah blah blah.. That's all fine and dandy. In fact, I think it is amazing. However, at the same time, the same group of women pigeonhole men and expect men to pay for the dates, propose to them with their dream engagement ring, etc. I get it if women like to be swept off their feet and be wooed. But at the same time, it is having double standards and disingenuous. Why is it blasphemy if men were to tell their female partners to help out with the house chores or stay at home and look after the children while they go out...but less disrespectful when women expect their male partners to take the initiative and foot the bill and shower them with gifts? 

I don't get it, guys, I just don't... (Lap 40 at 45th second: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJf5ZT6JBYA).  

I think we always talk about equality and being open-minded to challenging stereotypes but at the same time, the inertia is high. It requires an entire mindset change. And most importantly, it requires sacrifice. And sacrifice comes when you think about others and even put them before yourself.

Are we inherently racist?

Wow, we survived yet another year so first of all, Happy New Year, my friends.

Ok, now back to the topic.

The title of this blog post spawned from having dinner at Burger King (not in Singapore) the other day - particularly, I noticed that BK was like some sort of ethnic enclave for people of a certain look. In comparison, when I ate at McDonalds, I realised that most patrons were people of another type of look. It got me thinking, “WHY?”.

So first, I started looking at the menu and prices. I cannot say for sure that one place is more affordable or had more options than the other. Because to me, both are in the same price bracket and offered similar food items (burgers, fries, nuggets, chicken wings, etc).

Maybe it is the taste of the food then. I am not sure about you but burgers and fries generally taste the the same to me (Yes, of course I can tell if the fries are skinnier and crispier or if the beef is more substantial, but you get what I mean... it is fast food.)

Then it dawned on me... maybe people of a certain type started patronising a particular place and then folks from the same background or ethnicity or whatever started going there too. This sounds like people “markng territorities”. But why? Why cannot people just mingle regardless of how they look and respect each other´s differences?

I realised... ok, maybe some people are indeed racist. But I think the majority of people are just afraid.

1) Because we were brought up to hang out with people who look the same way as us (i.e. most of our family members look the same and most kids are brought up in a mono-racial type environment), and I think parents do not proactively talk about interracial relationships and colour and all of that jazz.
Hence, intuitively, people will naturally stick to the status quo and what has worked out well for them thus far.

2) Because (in some sick way), people of the same race would think that “stepping out”, and making friends or enjoying the company of people of different backgrounds is despising or not respecting one´s roots or ancestry. I think most of us are familiar with the term “sarong party girl” and “yellow fever”.

Sorry, random advertisement break here. But I have a story to share about the first time I heard of this “yellow fever” term.
It was an introduction lecture for Part B, and my friend and I found seats next to this random American guy. Well, to be precise, he is Indian-American. After getting to know him for a bit, I realised that he is all alone in Singapore and so, I asked him if he would like to join my friend and I for lunch. I admit that I should have asked my friend first but I thought it was not a big deal. Turned out, it was... When the guy left the table to buy his food, my friend turned to me and said it is very obvious that he has the yellow fever. I swear my reaction was something like this, “what? is it contagious or not? he is coughing like mad...”

Anyway, back to the main topic. I just wonder why it is (almost morally) not right for a person of a particular race to prefer the physical appearance of another race whereas it is less dishonourable if, hypothetically speaking, a Chinese man prefers a Chinese woman with double eyelids or a Chinese woman who is fairer than him. Is it because we already think that certain races are more superior than others and therefore, if one chose to form relationships with the more or less “superior race” (which is deemed by god knows who), then it is a sign of utter disrespect for one´s own roots?

Let everything sink in for a moment... And tell me what you guys think - is it possible (and acceptable) to find someone of a different race more physically appealing without bringing race into the picture? And do you think it is weird if someone you know (of the same race as you) proactively makes friends with people of different races.

The Common Denominator

It has been a long time since I had last published anything on this platform but trust me, my mind is neither stagnant nor stale.

Tonight, I shall attempt to pen down my thoughts about the common denominator among us human beings, and that is, we all want to feel safe and sheltered and secure.

But sometimes, we assume comfort is equivalent to the above. It is not. Being comfortable just means we are used to the static and the stationary so we stick to the status quo. In other words, we become indifferent.

When we delve deeper and go beyond the illusion of comfort, sometimes, we are slapped with the truth that we are settling for something we do not deserve or desire.

There are times when I refuse to admit to myself that I am. There are times when I am inundated with all the signs and red flags but I put on my blinders just so I can go to bed. But I wake up at night in cold sweat. I toss and turn and find myself flip-flopping between one solution and another only to find myself staring at the ceiling as I watch the sun rise. And just like this, I have survived one night. Now, on to the next and let it re-play itself like a broken recorder.

I think we all have these poignant thoughts, these suppressed doubts, these burning questions about how we can do better for ourselves and how we can treat ourselves with more kindness so we feel lighter... so we can feel safer.

But it sounds too self-indulgent or worse, too defeatist to even consider that our current situation is one too demanding for us to handle.

Perhaps it is not about the situation to begin with... it is about how we feel about ourselves being in that particular situation.

I guess I need to pen down these introspective reflections because I have been binge watching Sons of Anarchy. I know, it's a television show and it sounds very vapid but trust me, said show will stir up some emotional shit storm in you. Pardon my use of dysphemism.

Anyway, back to the topic before I fan girl about Sons of Anarchy (and trust me, I will). I guess what I want to drive at is how expanding our comfort zone or even better, escaping from our comfort zone, may be key to reaching our common denominator. It will be frightening at first, foreign, even., but we do not live in an ideal world where things are handed to us without making conscious decisions. We live in one which is more likely than not, a chimera of an ideal. So cut the noose and let loose. Just take the plunge and go off the beaten track. I do not know where that will take us... but I know that we will sleep better.

I think we need to trust our visceral feelings more. If some things make us feel miserable, maybe it is because it is. There is no shame in coming to a conclusion that our current situation is utterly crappy. But there is if we do not do anything about it and then become comfortable in that cesspool.




(Hmmm... listening to Metallica while trying to put one's convoluted thoughts in writing is not recommended. But I hope I make sense)







Now, speaking of Sons of Anarchy, please watch this video: -

Matthew Michael "Matt" Murdock

We have so much in common, Matthew Michael Murdock... if only you could see that.

Elusive... exactly my type.

Don't break my heart. Is that a deal?

Preach, Daredevil. Preach.

No one does it better with whips and chains than you...

Looks like I've got competition...

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you score a second date. 

Me too...

Well, Matthew... not just every man...

I can totally imagine this conversation.

FUN FACT: the gym where they shot Captain America training in Avengers and Daredevil is the SAME GYM!!! 

I NEED TO HAVE THAT JUMPER OR SHIRT IN MY LIFE.

A cross-over needs to happen!

Imagine Daredevil, Spiderman and Deadpool fighting criminals! 

Damn, they would blow the city up... and I mean ovaries would explode.. testicles too, for some I guess...

AND SUPPORT MY VIDEO!

You must know surely...

YOU MUST KNOW SURELY... YOU MUST KNOW IT WAS YOU... AND THAT IT WAS ALL FOR YOU... ALL ALONG... 

Lol! The disconcerting looks on their faces... 

It is the exact same look on my friends' faces when I fangirl about them - my lovers. 

It's like they just hit the jackpot... 

But actually, I did when I found this GIF and their existence...

"He did say he prefers a winter wedding. Right, Juan?"

Oh, come on... Come clean, you two. We all know there's something going on.

When he silently approaches you from behind and gives you a hug in front of millions of people...

Or the time he pats you on the head like he is claiming his beau...

If those are not true declarations of love, I don't know what is.

Height difference?

Well, it makes no difference when it comes to love.

Awkward third party...

Everything looks better in slow-mo... walking away from explosions, raindrops falling from the sky and most definitely, lovers' embraces...

Dance moves in sync, hearts in sync and oh, ignoring everyone else on the pitch... 

That's what being in love means.

Give me a break, man!

I am just speechless... Like Victor Valdes on the left... 

I mean, is this necessary?

GET A ROOM!

Not sure what is more distracting... The peck on the cheek or the wink...

Fernando Llorente, please spare me. I have a weak heart.

Sergio, if you don't wanna be among greatness, I wouldn't mind taking your place...

I think I would be a great midfielder...I could play the field.

As the saying goes, "we crave what we can't have".

It's a tug-of-war sometimes... 

Mass hug like no other...

Ok, forget what I said earlier.

This is what a REAL mass hug looks like...

I don't know what I would do to be part of that sweaty mess!

One word - sublime.

There is so much going on here...

Juan and Cesar rekindling their romance.

David and Marcos getting it on... Oops! I meant 'getting along'...

PLEASE SUPPORT THEM.. & ME TOO!! 

CAUSE LOVE TRUMPS ALL, RIGHT?