About time

I have always been advised by kind and wise people to keep my eyes peeled for the predators out there. It is about time to take heed.
Let me preface this: Writing this post and sharing my thoughts about this particular topic is very difficult because a part of my brain has been conditioned to doubt or surrender. So when I was first introduced to the term "gaslight", I really opened my eyes. The process of understanding and discovering is slow. One of the reasons why it takes a while is because, in a perverted way, it is better to live in whatever reality the person wants you to. Everything is drama-free and peaceful in that way. It makes no sense to rock the boat or speak up.
But then… when other people in the same situation are sharing their views about the same person and you are able to see it from their perspectives, it is clearer. It starts to make sense.
I cannot go as far as to diagnose people/a particular person as a narcissist because it is an actual mental health disorder. But there are traits that are eerily similar…


1) Distorting reality
I noticed that when people recount certain incidents, things do not add up or the story changes. Or worse still, the general gist is re-written to suit their narrative or paint them in a better light. Third parties who do not know the truth or are unable to verify from other sources would be hoodwinked unknowingly.

2) Demanding recognition
These types of people like to be in the position of power. He/she has to be the one to delegate tasks to others. Yet, he/she barely pulls his/her weight when it is his/her responsibility to make sure the job is done properly. Then, when it comes to getting recognition or sharing stories about the task, suddenly, it is his/her pet project or client or whatever (see point 1 above).

3) Disguising reproach
Sometimes, if you’re lucky, you get indirect jabs (for example: “all the other people I know did ABC and you’re the first who did XYZ. You think I am lying?”). The aim of which is nothing but to put you down and make you question yourself. Otherwise, you get comments that kinda make you feel some sort of way (for example: “in this day and age, reputation is everything”) and that something seems... off.


Just to provide an illustration: It would not be atypical for them (e.g. Person A) to say things like, “I would not have gotten together with you (Person B) if you did not agree to 123. I said that right from the beginning. Now, you are going back on your word. You are not a good human being. I thought you were and that really hurts ME.”

A bystander who is none the wiser would assume two things – firstly, Person B is not trustworthy or reliable and secondly, Person B has hurt Person A (i.e Person A is a victim).

If facts are not shown that: (a) That Person B did not agree to 123. In fact, it was a mutual agreement for Person B to do 456, and Person B had, in fact, done so accordingly; and (b) That Person A had done and/or said things to indirectly coerce Person B to feel that silence about the REAL agreement is the only way...

The bystander would have a totally different perspective on things.
Person A would distort the reality so that he/she can control how he/she is perceived. And at the same time, make Person B question himself/herself or feel so afraid to speak the truth (since Person A is so adamant and “hurt”) that it is almost impossible or cruel for Person B’s version of events to come out. That means, there is only one version – Person A’s version whereby he/she is seen in a favourable manner.


It is hard to stand up against such individuals when you are dependent on them in some way or when the person is in an authoritative position. Or worse… like in my case… it is both.


When we were children, we were taught that "yes means yes and no means no". What about silence? What does silence mean?